While parenting can be described as one of life’s most rewarding experiences, it is also one of the hardest. It feels vitally important to nail it, to get it just right. What is the secret to parenting well? Do you mimic your own experience of growing up? Or perhaps you steer clear of strategies used by your parents? For many, it can be helpful to draw on philosophies described by experts. One current parenting trend that has received a lot of attention is gentle parenting.
What is gentle parenting?
Gentle parenting is all about the parent-child relationship. Parents are meant to display empathy, respect, and understanding by communicating and connecting with their children. Key components of developing this connection include:
- Parent as teacher
- Appropriate developmental expectations
- Avoiding punishments and behavioral rewards
- Developing boundaries
Parent as teacher
Parents help their children in identifying emotions and understanding conflicts. For example, during a tantrum, a parent might state “you look frustrated.” They might verbalize “you are having so much fun playing and don’t want to go to bed even though it’s bedtime.” Parents also serve as teachers by modeling behaviors of kindness, empathy and self-discipline. Sometimes that means sitting quietly with a child or offering a hug when the child’s behavior appears out of control. Everyday parenting presents many opportunities for practice of these principles.
Appropriate developmental expectations
A key component to a parent’s ability to act with empathy is understanding of developmental expectations. Broad emotional swings in young children and pushing boundaries in older children are seen as appropriate. Recognizing biting and kicking as normal toddler behaviors and door slamming as expected teenage behavior allows for empathy in parents and respect for their child, no matter where they are in development.
Avoiding punishments and behavioral rewards
Contrary to many other styles of parenting, punishments are not a part of gentle parenting. They are seen as unnecessary, disruptive to the parent-child bond, and as training children to an external reward rather than to their own internal emotional and moral compass. Similarly, behavioral rewards are discouraged. A child should never be encouraged to behave for the purpose of influencing their parents’ feelings (“stop that because you’re making me sad”). Instead, parents strive to connect with their children, help them understand their distress, empathize with that distress, and propose alternate action. “You were mad, so you threw your toy at your sister. But throwing your toy could hurt your sister. Let’s think of some other things we can do when we’re feeling mad that wouldn’t hurt anyone or anything else.” Comments on children’s behavior (throwing the toy), rather than character (bad or mean), are felt to be more effective. To reinforce positive behaviors, parents will highlight a positive feeling or outcome, such as “you must feel proud that you made it to the potty and kept your underwear dry.”
Developing boundaries
Flexibility is a crucial component to gentle parenting, and equally important is parents’ ability to hold clear and firm boundaries. The key to holding boundaries in gentle parenting is to incorporate empathy, respect, and understanding. “I can understand why you don’t want to go to bed when you are having such a good time playing. But getting enough sleep is very important, and it’s time for you to get ready for bed. Which parts of the bedtime routine would you like to do yourself and which parts shall I help with?”
Thankfully, the gentle parenting philosophy accommodates for imperfection. Gentle parents are encouraged to revisit and repair when exchanges with their children are far from gentle. When all is said and done, children should feel that their parents are on their side.
How can gentle parenting help?
This parenting strategy places the relationship as the crux of everything. For some families, gentle parenting can help strengthen bonds, build self-awareness, and improve family dynamics.
Stronger bonds
When a child feels understood and validated, they will form secure attachment to their parents. Operating from a place of secure attachment allows a child to form equally strong bonds in other relationships. These benefits are realized in both early childhood and beyond. Although the investment may be significant upfront, proponents of gentle parenting believe in the lifelong benefits of this fortified parent-child bond. It isn’t a stretch to imagine how a teen’s close parental relationship may alter their behavior in a risk-taking situation.
Build self-awareness
With the assistance of parental input, children of gentle parents are more likely to understand their own emotions and how to manage those emotions in productive ways. The benefits of emotional regulation infiltrate all aspects of one’s life and promote preparedness for the larger world.
Improved family dynamics
While the onus is on parents to model empathy, respect, and understanding, the ripple effect in the family is likely to lead to improved dynamics throughout.
Possible drawbacks of gentle parenting
Skeptics of gentle parenting propose the following drawbacks of the technique:
Time and energy intensive
Contrasting to a more authoritarian style of parenting (“my way or the highway”), gentle parenting requires significant time and energy to execute. Parents must have patience to allow emotions to unfold, time to communicate with children what they observe and energy to express empathy and problem solving. In the case of sleep training, parents are discouraged from allowing children to “cry it out,” in favor of a more gradual approach which is likely to lengthen the process.
High parental investment
Gentle parenting assumes a parent’s aptitude for understanding and synthesizing their child’s emotional state, even though most parents have no formal training in child psychology. Although it encourages parents to engage in self-care, its practices may conflict with a parent’s ability to meet their own needs.
Overemphasis on self
Critics argue that constant attention to one’s own emotional state could interfere with the development of empathy. Without practice, children of gentle parents may find it more difficult to adapt and adjust in the face of discomforts or adversity that is not accommodating to their emotions.
Parental feelings of inadequacy
Like any parenting advice, learning about gentle parenting can cause feelings of inadequacy. Reading about how to shape the behaviors of others is simpler than putting it into practice, particularly when every family and situation is unique. The presentation of this singular strategy can skew perceived benefits, as well as overemphasize harms from alternate techniques.
There is no one-size-fits-all in parenting. Gentle parenting is one approach that prioritizes the relationship between parent and child, for benefit immediately and in the future. Throughout this most challenging and rewarding endeavor, most parents will pick and choose from different styles of parenting to suit their specific needs. An approach that is customized to the unique individuals and family as a whole will minimize the challenges and bolster the rewards.
For anyone who wants more information about gentle parenting, check out The Gentle Parenting Book: How to raise calmer, happier children from birth to seven by Sarah Ockwell-Smith.
For more tips on helping children grow well, visit the Be Well blog.
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